Life is too short, to be anything but happy.

2011;


Coooooooooooooooming Right up.

I'm sorry, Homework, Boyfriend, Band, Christmas shopping, Snow, Sleep, Music, and Painting have taken over my life.

Christmas in 16 days,
And the best part of it is,
Is that it'll be spent, With you ♥

out with the old ,
and in with the new.
it's time to start a new me,
and keep the old you,
just because, i love you♥

my savior, thank you turkey hill.
♥

i want to go somewhere new.
and live life in different shoes.

No I won't sleep Tonight.

it's a neon tree blues night.










hoo-rah.

god dammit, i hate screwing up.
but hey, who cares right? it's life. life sucks, and life's hell. i remember when everything seemed cheery, and happy. nothing could ever get you down. you'd walk around with your head held high, and pride to the sky. well, turn down the blasting music. or tell your parents to shut up, for a second. because, whoever may be reading this. needs to know that.
pointblank, i've messed up in life. i have regrets, i've said things i never though would come out of my mouth.
and i'm sorry.
i love who i used to be.
i loved smiling.
i loved to laugh.
i loved loving you.
i loved caring for you.
i loved having fun.
i loved joking around.
i loved being around people.
i loved that we all used to be friends.
i loved that i'd always look on the brighter side.
i loved that i always saw positivity in everything.
i hate how i miss all that,
and i wish it were still all here.
i hate who i've become.
i hate that i have regrets, because nothing wrong should've ever been done in the first place.
i hate that i've lied.
i hate that i've yelled.
i hate that i've cried.
i hate that i've even wanted to die.
i hate feeling like a bad person.
i hate being told what i am, and knowing how it's true.
i hate not having control over myself.
i hate hating things.
what happened?
why do we even bother with life, if we're all not gonna get out of this mess easily?
no one said it was easy, but no one said it'd ever be this hard either.

those words stick in ones head, you know.
and they tend to not leave.
no big deal though, i promise.
you'll explode sooner or later.

Lesson #31 : You know how when you were a little kid and you believed in fairy tales, that fantasy of what your life would be, white dress, prince charming who would carry you away to a castle on a hill. You would lie in bed at night and close your eyes and you had complete and utter faith. Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, Prince Charming, they were so close you could taste them, but eventually you grow up, one day you open your eyes and the fairy tale disappears. Most people turn to the things and people they can trust. But the thing is its hard to let go of that fairy tale entirely cause almost everyone has that smallest bit of hope, of faith, that one day they will open their eyes and it will come true.

Do you come here much?
I've got to see your face some more.

The start of my days go a little something like, this.

A told B, and B told C that I'll meet you at the top of the coconut tree.

I'll be there for you, till my heart is black and blue.
And I'll always be there for you like four three two.

it's time to have fun; here's to the truth. and here's to the future. here's to living it up, with no more regrets. it's time to have the time of my life. and look at everything to it's fullest potential . and i'll be lovin it, every single minute of it. here's to who i am today, here's to who made me this way. here's to the way you used to be. here's to you. here's to us, and whatever tomorrows days after'll bring. here comes the awkward lifestyles, filled with hope. the one's that'll stay, that no one'll know. so party hard, because you've earned it. here's to me, here's to you. here's to life. so live it.
cheers .

Lesson#11: Intimacy is a four syllable word for, "Here's my heart and soul, please grind them into hamburger, and enjoy." It's both desired, and feared. Difficult to live with, and impossible to live without. Intimacy also comes attached to the three R's... relatives, romance, and roommates. There are some things you can't escape. And other things you just don't want to know.

143, I la la la love you.








let it be known to the world, that this is my one hundred and forty third post. i feel accomplished, and miraculously stupendous.

if i knew how to skydive, i wouldn't land in a tree.

what possesses you to do what you do?

life.

truth is:
i play piano. i love it.
i'm a ballerina.
fall's my favorite season.
my bedrooms sky blue.
i like blankets.
i used to collect nail polish.
reading glasses are fun to play with and try on.
i write things on my hands when i skype.
i love someone, which isn't hard to tell.
i wish i had a tail.. sometimes.
my ass currently hurts, probably because i fell out of my window. longstoryshort.
i'm not good at sneaking out,
glow sticks are bright, and fun to swish around.
i don't know how to read a thermometer.
i wish i was a better person than i was.
talking's over rated .
i have the pepsi theme song stuck in my head.
we're having a family dinner tonight .
i hate missing people .
i miss soccer,
and i'm going back to school tomorrow for the first time in a week or so .
purple rulers are the most comforting kind.
i haven't changed my cellphone wallpapers on my internal, or external screen in 2 months.
sweet potatoes warm my tummy.
crickets make me hysterically laugh.
i like waterfalls.
if i could have a million mylar balloons, my life would be complete.
horseback riding's hard.
i've talked on a phone for 11 hours straight at the most.
i od on oreos, whenever possible.
i like to paint.
photographing everything is my type of thing.
i like going for walks.
crows annoy me.
i sleep in late as much as possible, but i'm far from lazy.
i love my school.
my natural hair's fun.
i like smencils.
7th grade was my favorite year , ever.
my phone has a shitty battery life.
i want to not swear as much as i do.
i enjoy my flexibility alot.
glow and the dark stars make great nighlights.
i'm addicted to my webcam.
i can only blog on weekends noww.
and; there are way too many plants in my house.

i think i live in a jungle.

the pepsi theme song makes me feel chipper, word.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Eodowk4r7A

Apparently, It's an art too. Oh, Life.

I just got into a fight with my mom..

Apparently, i cut apples the wrong way.

I now know, that you need to saw it down.

Not just hit the knife on it, and make a clean cut. you must, do it with care.

Your hand needs to be at a 90 degree angle, and on the thick part of the end of the knife.

I'll never make that mistake again, ohh boy..

I quite enjoy ridiculous people, and remedies. I really do.

It adds spunk to life.

dear 26 months ago into the past, i want you back.

i want out of here.


i want difference.


i want the old change back.

scratch these damn wants,
cut them out and tape up the remains.
turn them into life needs.

i hate not knowing what's going on
or what will happen.
especially, when it's my own life.

Lesson#5: At some point, you have to make a decision. Boundaries don't keep other people out. They fence you in. Life is messy. That's how we're made. So, you can waste your lives drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines... that are way too dangerous to cross.

i'm not as strong as you think i am,
heck, i'm not at all.

you're a tearjerker to me, a chance taker. and a heartbreaker. i love you. all of you.
every bit of you. and i want just you. always and forever. the thoughts of our love never seem to slip away from me. if only you knew the things i wish you could know. do you even care? i know you do, how could you not see that i want you.
i know they say, if you love something. let it go, if it comes back to you. it's yours forever.
been there, done that.
if you're mine forever , where are you?





i wish i knew .

Sparks fly.

do you remember?






that kiss on the beach





before the sand filled our cheeks





and the water felt sharp





and crisp against our skin.




or did it all just fade?






and fade, away. right into the ongoing uselessness





that you call your memory.

You gotta take some chances, you gotta risk losing it all, you gotta close your eyes and leap because it just might be worth the fall.

you can be the one to wash away my stormy seas.

does anyone remember the good days of watchin madagascar? i know i do.














i like to move it..


I REALLY DO

i like the color maroon.

Now, I find SillyBandz to be one of the most ridiculous things on the earth.

So is it Ironic that I found the cutest little seal in my window sill this morning..?

ambition is my ammunition.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sq4QURg0IYw



YUM♥
























oh.my.jesus.

M.O.T.I.V.A.T.I.O.N


Is what you need to give yourself when no one else can.

just say that i died,

just to get a reaction. and see what happens.

oh, whoopsies.

Ay' yo Sean, you mr.Kingston.

let's talk about everything;

september 8th, 2008.

i met mike. it was 7th grade. it didn't take long for us to become bestfriends. i think that's the year that reflected on alot of things that revolve around me today. well, i hardly knew him. but, it didn't take long to get to know him. he was a really easy guy to talk to, and still is. right now to this day. i mean, during the middle of the year i guess you could call him my best friend, like. no not just someone that you seem to talk to alot, that you'd call a best friend.. like, an actual person, that you'd cry for. die for, someone that was always there. seeing him was the highlight of my middle school days. he was in all my classes, and made me laugh everyday. i'm not going to lie, but i miss those days, i was such a different person than who i am now. but some things..stuck i guess you could say.

june 29th, 2009.

school ended. 7th grade was over, that was a tough shit day. all my "big kid friends" were moving onto the scariest place of all, or so it sounded or the way people made it appear to be. highschool. summer was starting, i made alot of friends that year, i think that that's when i first started to care about people.. like actually think about other's than myself, and that's when i grew more mature. still to this day, i think mike's the one that created that. he was my first friend that i really think i started to care about, then i got more and more friends..that i realized really made up my life. i mean, yeah i had friends in 6th grade. but i didn't mind not seeing them for a whole summer. because i knew that 7th grade would come, and it'd all get better. i never really knew what "missing something" felt like. till the 29th of june. it was a half day, raining, and kind of cold. at 11:45, after we had finished yearbook signing, and ice cream eating. we had to go back to homeroom, i was already crying.. and got hugs from everyone, because, well. obviously you'd get hugged if you were crying. but then, i sat down at my table, with 3 others. one , being mike. and we started to talk about what was going to happen during the summer, where we were going. then, i told mike how much i was going to miss him . and then, i told everyone else i'd miss them too.
i meant it , i really did. then, we made a plan to go to the mall, and go shopping, and get our nails done. he said he'd get bright pink.
ha, my shirt was pink that day..
the intercom went off, and we all said our last goodbyes, till 3 months later, mike gave me a hug.
it was the first time we'd ever hugged.

alot can happen in 3 months, if you didn't know..and alot did.

july 8th, 2009.
summer had already started, i was doing ballet camp on mondays, wednesdays, and fridays. i was always. with a friend after class, that was the summer that i hit 5 feet tall.
i felt so damn accomplished, it was great. i had a hot pink, flippy phone. from t-mobile. but i didn't like it, so sometime in the middle of june. i switched my service over to verizon and got an enV with a touch screen. it came in the mail on this day, i remember putting all my contacts in, i didn't remember who's number's i had. until i got down to the M's. i had mikes. we worked on a math project, and exchanged numbers. we had to make cubic boxes out of graph paper.
is it odd that i remember all of this ?
i hope not.
he was saved under "Mikeypooh!:)" it's an inside joke nickname from 7th grade. i didn't text him though, until exactly a week later.

july 15th, 2009. exactly one, week later. i texted him, and right off the bat from my over use of smileys and exclamation points, he knew it was me. we talked all night, he was at nerd camp, i was at ballet camp. he went to maine that summer, and ohio, and rode all these roller coasters. i went off cape, to marlboro, to an animal shelter.
we talked, every single day. there wasn't one day, that we didn't. we'd have a new update on how the day went, every single day. and we'd always add a smile to every sentence .
i had a crush on him in 7th grade, (if you couldn't tell) and that crush only got bigger the following summer. in august, my birthday was coming up. he asked me one day how old i was, i said that i was still 12..and then he asked me when i'd be 13, i told him in a few weeks on the 24th. he was on a family vacation, and took the time to get me something, he got me a fuzzy stuffed animal monkey.
i love my little monkey..

august 30th, 2009.
i turned 13, 6 days ago. i've gone a whole summer without seeing mike. we liked each other , alot. it was so cute, i loved talking to this kid.
now, these next couple dates are just going to be updates.

september 7th, 2009.
the start, of grade. huit. ocho. eight.
i finally, saw him.
yayyy!
we talked all night that night, discussed what days we had what u.a's. and if we had anything together, we didn't, except gym..which, i soon..got switched out of sadly..so then all we had was band. romantic, right ?

september 14th, 2009.
best day. of, my life. that was the night as most people remember as the vma's. but, i remember it as the night i said yes to dating mike .
it was the start of something, different. and we didn't really talk much in person, we were just too shy too, we had our first hug, on september 30th, 2009.
words can't describe how glad i was to call myself his girlfriend.

october 16th, 2009.
a friday night, after the highschool football games. that we'd always go too, his arms would be around my neck or wast, and i'd just hold onto them. all night, i slept over his neighbors house that night. we snuck out, because her parents weren't home. and we hungout with mike, and his friend. we went to the end of the street, it was dark. pitch black, and cold. we did our cuddle routine, for about half an hour. then , we started to head back to her house, and mike went to his. and right before he went into his house, he held me really close. and then kissed me. out of nowhere.
we had had, our first. kiss.
downside is, that when we got back going to his neighbors house, her parents were home. and caught us, i then had to go home. but it was still worth it.

december 19th, 2009.
christmas break, the first time mike and i hung out.
we had our arms around eachother, for 3 hours.

december 22nd, 2009.
mike came, to my nutcracker. my ballet recital, called. the nutcracker, and cheered me on and watched me dance for 2 whole hours, after wards. i found him after the show. we talked, kissed, and he gave me flowers. red roses. i dried 3, because it's one of our lucky numbers. and they're still hanging in my room.


____________________________________________________________________


during 8th grade, we had some rough times. but we always got through it .

then, when the school year ended, it was back to summer. our first one, spent together. i saw him at least twice in each week.
Summer 2010.
Everything changed,
New friends were made,
Relationships got stronger,
I developed a taste for swedish fish, and sour patch kids.
I got real into photography, and painting.
My piano skills picked right back up again,
I started this blog,
I broke rules,
And lived everyday possible, up to it's fullest potential.
And I haven't regretted any of it, once.
I learned to trust, and give second chances, to forgive.
And forget the bad, and take in as much good as possible.

september 14th, 2010.
i have been dating mike, for one . entire . year.
and i've loved every day of it.
i'll always be there for him, until my heart is black and blue.

today is october 6th, 2010 .
i haven't blogged in a while, tweeted, facebooked anything, or listened to oldies on the good pal of mine, youtube. haven't been able to googlewhack, or skype. homework, piano, flute, and soccer is taking over my life. and i'm kind of okay with it lately.
i'm now in highschool.
i'm now in that scary place.
i now have new friends
i now am who i am today.
i now wish i could go back to being younger,
i now, still love mike.
i've now, been playing soccer again because i'm not in ballet this season.
i'm now realizing to make every moment in my life count,
because there's no negativity that can come out of that.
i've probably lost your interest with this post a while ago, and i'm okay with that too. because i've gotten everything out that i needed to say.
so therefor, if you're still with me. thank you, for taking the time out of your day to read this.

evveeeeryone's changing.
is this really what growing up is all about?

because if it's this severe at 14, i can only imagine once we hit 20.
now , let's see how that'll work out.

hop.off.

and if not?

well, tell me how my gloss tastes, darling.

does everything really happen for a reason ?


















maybe...

I'm feeling like you're letting go.






don't be scared?
how can i not be..

i miss the feeling that i'd get every time i saw your car come down my street.

I am not my own, for I have been made new.

Stop.





























See that nothings plain.

Or that every wave's the same.

Look at it from a different perspective.

The world is in your hands.

Dream to the stars.


































Cherish each moment.






















And enjoy the simple pleasures.
























Because you never know when you'll be above the skyline.


























So live your life.

i've docked here,
forever too, i wish to stay
and lay in your heart
so forever i will never leave.

we're at the starting line,



and i never want to meet the end of the road.

let's fall asleep again,

as dreams overcome our veins

and we take eachothers pain away.

and as the words evaporate into our ears.

everybody needs a little comforting, and i was there. i should be there. i used to be there, there for you. yours, i had you, i still do, but it's slipping. i need to patch it. quick, where's the fabric? because my heart is going to be pouring out everything to you in every which way. and i need to be prepared.

i created this monster,



and it's time to slay it .

what goes around, comes around.

you give what you get, so why has it all withered away into nothing?

i can see it, the tune's playing in the background.
and i'm dancing and prancing, all around you.

because i'm trying my best to satisfy.

this really is far from healthy.

I'm so crazy about you.







and I can't control it.

I don't know what I'm gonna do,

But i'm so crazy about you.

I loathe this, all of this. Everyday, Every second, Every minute, Every hour. It's hard, really hard. I've had multiple moments that I just want to curl up under my covers, scream until my lungs bleed and cry until i'm drenched. Depressing , right? I miss us. So much, this is far too difficult for me. I'm can't handle it. I'm not strong, I hate bagging on myself. But i'm weak. Too weak, to withstand this. It's insane, it's ridiculous , and it's painful . I'd like out. I want out. I need out. Out. I need to get out. A way out of this mess. Seeing you. And not getting that hug, not a hug. The hug, your hugs. When your voice is spoken to me, I just want to smile. Smile until my lips can't stretch any further. And when you look at me, I feel special. There's just, that look. The look I see every time I see you. The soft stare that your eyes send down right to me make me feel like there's no one else that you need to look at. I love that feeling. It's amazing, it's remarkable, it reminds me of you. No one else, but yourself. I just, keep slipping up. Tripping myself, hitting my face with the concrete. I can't get it right, no matter how hard I try I just fail. Miserably. I try to keep it all at a consistent pace. But then, the littlest thing, trips me. Makes me loose. I don't do it intentionally. Because i'm too blind to realize the truth of the horror of what I did the second after it occurs. I'm a mess, I need organization. I need you, I just wish you realized how much I do. I understand why you're hurt. I would be too, tremendously, confused, mixed emotions. I regret what I did. I can only pour out so many emotions at one sequence. There needs to be a place, and time. Because I have loads of words that are over flowing out of my mouth. That need to be said. If I could take back one thing, it'd be this. They say you learn from your mistakes, and move on. Well, I did. I learned a tremendous amount from this, and I can't ever make it again. I need to restart this, start it from scratch. And do it with as little kinks as possible. I miss things. I miss us. I miss you. The old me, I miss. The way things were, the way they used to be. How they should be. I miss that, all of that. And I want that, I want you. Just you. All of you, Forever. I messed this up, time to find needle and thread. To tie us up, mend it all together. For the better. Forgiveness is what I need from you, but I realize that it's going to need to be worked up to.

You can't just expect everything in life to be directly handed to you.

Because the best things in life, do come to those who wait.

And you are , what is my best.

And will, be worth my time and waiting.

stop confusing my facee.








because i'm sorry to tell you but, i don't like it.

So let me be, and I'll set you free.

well,



uhm..



just so you know





i'm so bipolar when writing, but, the thing is. i'm sad, mad, pissed, annoyed, happy, nervous, worried, excited, depressed, and ready to bash you over the head with a hammer. just because i care, that much.



love you, darling.

I can't stop hitting the replay button,







cause it reminds me of the second you walked into my life.

i don't blog to too much anymore, i've become extremely pre-occupied with other subjects. school's going very well. i love highschool. so much. why? because i get to see everyone all the time, even if it's for five minutes it still counts, pda's allowed. you can wear whatever. there's no teachers yelling at you in the hallway. everyone's willing to help you get around . ahh, yay i've found my place. i love this school, i never want to leave.

winters coming, i love winter so much. it's my second favorite season. winter means, snowflakes, cuddling, hot chocolate, christmas music, reindeer ears, chicken noodle soup, fuzzy socks, flannel pants, big sweatshirts, surrounded by family, no makeup, thanksgiving morning, thick blankets, cozy beds, warm couches, ramen noodles, christmas trees, green colors, days indoors, iced over ponds. i mean, yes it's still september. and yes summer's supposed to continue until the 21st but it's cold god damn it! ha, i love summer, but winter just makes everything feel more secure and cozy. and i like it. it makes me happy, i mean, yes!

it's great running up and down a beach, in hollister shorts and our spaghetti strapped tank tops. as our flip flops click around with every step we take. girls painting our toenails hot pink and guys spritzing their "summer chick" cologne. mini golfing and movies every night, staying up late and sleeping in. tanning, and saltwater fills ourselves.

but , i'm excited for winter. it's always been a pleasant time in my life. so therefor, bring on the cold weather. i mean, who doesn't love seeing a cute little birdie eat sunflower seeds of a perfectly non imprinted snow filled ground surface? doesn't it just make you want to smile and fill you with happiness? it does to me.

oh goodness, well highschool started yesterday. and as i believe all the freshmen would be nervous as hell. oh, and we were. we all were. it's big, everyone's taller. and has seniority over you. it's scary, it's a big place to be. i got lost. alot, i think mostly everyone did. it' s almost impossible. but i like my classes, my teachers are pretty chill, and i know a ton of kids in my lunch periods. i'm having fun, new school, new year, making more friends. it's quite the experience, lemme tell ya. the drama doesn't stop though, and there's hallways going every which way. oh well. i'll survive. a positive attitude pays off for a positive time. and that's what i want. i good 4 years in this school. i want to go as far as my expectations can bring me, and look back and realize that i am indeed proud of myself. knowing that i did the very best i can be . i can't wait for the rest of the year to come, call my crazy but i sortaa missed school .

I like cupcakes. They make me happy.

last day of summer 2010; thankyou sunshine. you give me life, and one that i'll never forget .

No one wants to see us together, But look at us now♥

dear world, nickolas spintig's the most bombdiggidy
buttermuffin in the whole entire blue and green circle.
adios!

Right?

V8 Juice, out of a butterfly cup..
Live it up on the last night of summer♥

..did i really just quote bieber?
yeah; i've officially hit rock bottom..

I wish I didn't have to say that I really do hope, you make me your one less lonely girl.

And it is true when I say that I don't want to fail, Because if I fail you I've failed myself..

i'm sorry that i cannot tell you how many tears i let hit the floor.
i prefer to let them just hit the pillow,
because if i stand up, i'd have to look up and watch you walk away..

I'll give my world, to you.