let's fall asleep again,
as dreams overcome our veins
and we take eachothers pain away.
and as the words evaporate into our ears.
everybody needs a little comforting, and i was there. i should be there. i used to be there, there for you. yours, i had you, i still do, but it's slipping. i need to patch it. quick, where's the fabric? because my heart is going to be pouring out everything to you in every which way. and i need to be prepared.
what goes around, comes around.
I don't know what I'm gonna do,
But i'm so crazy about you.
I loathe this, all of this. Everyday, Every second, Every minute, Every hour. It's hard, really hard. I've had multiple moments that I just want to curl up under my covers, scream until my lungs bleed and cry until i'm drenched. Depressing , right? I miss us. So much, this is far too difficult for me. I'm can't handle it. I'm not strong, I hate bagging on myself. But i'm weak. Too weak, to withstand this. It's insane, it's ridiculous , and it's painful . I'd like out. I want out. I need out. Out. I need to get out. A way out of this mess. Seeing you. And not getting that hug, not a hug. The hug, your hugs. When your voice is spoken to me, I just want to smile. Smile until my lips can't stretch any further. And when you look at me, I feel special. There's just, that look. The look I see every time I see you. The soft stare that your eyes send down right to me make me feel like there's no one else that you need to look at. I love that feeling. It's amazing, it's remarkable, it reminds me of you. No one else, but yourself. I just, keep slipping up. Tripping myself, hitting my face with the concrete. I can't get it right, no matter how hard I try I just fail. Miserably. I try to keep it all at a consistent pace. But then, the littlest thing, trips me. Makes me loose. I don't do it intentionally. Because i'm too blind to realize the truth of the horror of what I did the second after it occurs. I'm a mess, I need organization. I need you, I just wish you realized how much I do. I understand why you're hurt. I would be too, tremendously, confused, mixed emotions. I regret what I did. I can only pour out so many emotions at one sequence. There needs to be a place, and time. Because I have loads of words that are over flowing out of my mouth. That need to be said. If I could take back one thing, it'd be this. They say you learn from your mistakes, and move on. Well, I did. I learned a tremendous amount from this, and I can't ever make it again. I need to restart this, start it from scratch. And do it with as little kinks as possible. I miss things. I miss us. I miss you. The old me, I miss. The way things were, the way they used to be. How they should be. I miss that, all of that. And I want that, I want you. Just you. All of you, Forever. I messed this up, time to find needle and thread. To tie us up, mend it all together. For the better. Forgiveness is what I need from you, but I realize that it's going to need to be worked up to.
You can't just expect everything in life to be directly handed to you.
Because the best things in life, do come to those who wait.
And you are , what is my best.
And will, be worth my time and waiting.
well,
uhm..
just so you know
i'm so bipolar when writing, but, the thing is. i'm sad, mad, pissed, annoyed, happy, nervous, worried, excited, depressed, and ready to bash you over the head with a hammer. just because i care, that much.
love you, darling.
i don't blog to too much anymore, i've become extremely pre-occupied with other subjects. school's going very well. i love highschool. so much. why? because i get to see everyone all the time, even if it's for five minutes it still counts, pda's allowed. you can wear whatever. there's no teachers yelling at you in the hallway. everyone's willing to help you get around . ahh, yay i've found my place. i love this school, i never want to leave.
winters coming, i love winter so much. it's my second favorite season. winter means, snowflakes, cuddling, hot chocolate, christmas music, reindeer ears, chicken noodle soup, fuzzy socks, flannel pants, big sweatshirts, surrounded by family, no makeup, thanksgiving morning, thick blankets, cozy beds, warm couches, ramen noodles, christmas trees, green colors, days indoors, iced over ponds. i mean, yes it's still september. and yes summer's supposed to continue until the 21st but it's cold god damn it! ha, i love summer, but winter just makes everything feel more secure and cozy. and i like it. it makes me happy, i mean, yes!
it's great running up and down a beach, in hollister shorts and our spaghetti strapped tank tops. as our flip flops click around with every step we take. girls painting our toenails hot pink and guys spritzing their "summer chick" cologne. mini golfing and movies every night, staying up late and sleeping in. tanning, and saltwater fills ourselves.
but , i'm excited for winter. it's always been a pleasant time in my life. so therefor, bring on the cold weather. i mean, who doesn't love seeing a cute little birdie eat sunflower seeds of a perfectly non imprinted snow filled ground surface? doesn't it just make you want to smile and fill you with happiness? it does to me.
oh goodness, well highschool started yesterday. and as i believe all the freshmen would be nervous as hell. oh, and we were. we all were. it's big, everyone's taller. and has seniority over you. it's scary, it's a big place to be. i got lost. alot, i think mostly everyone did. it' s almost impossible. but i like my classes, my teachers are pretty chill, and i know a ton of kids in my lunch periods. i'm having fun, new school, new year, making more friends. it's quite the experience, lemme tell ya. the drama doesn't stop though, and there's hallways going every which way. oh well. i'll survive. a positive attitude pays off for a positive time. and that's what i want. i good 4 years in this school. i want to go as far as my expectations can bring me, and look back and realize that i am indeed proud of myself. knowing that i did the very best i can be . i can't wait for the rest of the year to come, call my crazy but i sortaa missed school .
dear world, nickolas spintig's the most bombdiggidy
buttermuffin in the whole entire blue and green circle.
adios!
i'm sorry that i cannot tell you how many tears i let hit the floor.
i prefer to let them just hit the pillow,
because if i stand up, i'd have to look up and watch you walk away..
the other day, i was jammin in my room to the old rap, that all the "big kids" that we knew of listened to when we were 7. and we wanted to be "cool" like them. and i remembered everything from back then. the times where we'd go to the park and ride our bikes, or when hangingout with friends was called a playdate , or walking around with mp3's blasting our heads out. now, everythings different. chicks ride dicks, hangingout's considered getting high. and walking around means picking a fight with someone random kid that you see on the streets that we don't like. akon popped up on the ipod yesterday, and i remembered my mom telling me to turn it off. and that i wasn't allowed to listen to that type of music, i'd alwaays ask why. now i know why. he swore, talked about sex, drugs, fights on the street. and all that. i was a baby, and didn't know the shit of this world. definitely know now though, and i wish i didn't. "the big kids do it, why can't i?" if only i knew.. oh well. life goes on, that was then , this is now.all the old music that we used to listen to, are still indeed really good. cause it speaks the truth about how everything's for real and how it goes. but we really didn't need to be around it when we were that young. one of the reasons why a highschool shouldn't be right next to an elementary school. the little peace left here needs to get around, and catch on quick. we need to save the decent bit of humanity while there's still a few fifth graders not saying fuck every 3 seconds. it's really sad to see, and to realize that it's the truth. when in reality, you wish everyone could just get along, and there wouldn't be the problems there to stand in your way. but i guess the problems in life is what make you see and appreciate all the good in it. now i finally know why people say times are tough, it's because life is rough.
How could you do this...? Why would you. I really didn't expect this from someone like you, thanks. My bestfriend tonight's my monkey socks, chocolate dolci frutta dip, and a huge jug of apple juice.
